What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern and support you would show a good friend in moments of difficulty, failure, or suffering.
It’s about acknowledging and accepting your imperfections and mistakes without making judgment. After all, it’s natural for us to be our own harshest critics. But maybe if we saw ourselves in the same forgiving light that we see others, we’d remember no one is perfect and to go a little easier on ourselves.
When a friend or family member suffers pain or misfortune, we often feel compelled to show compassion by empathising with them to help reduce their suffering. So why is self-compassion so much harder to practise?
Why is self-compassion so difficult for female entrepreneurs?
As female entrepreneurs, we have a tendency to want to please people, often putting their feelings before our own. We also downplay our own achievements and don’t acknowledge our strengths for fear of coming across as arrogant or selfish.
Historically, a woman’s role is to nurture – nurture her spouse, nurture her children, nurture her home. And despite the strides forward that have been made in equality, there’s still an element of this in today’s society. We’re often deemed the primary caregiver no matter what our personal circumstances.
We take on excessive responsibility and push boundaries to compete with our male counterparts in business and be seen as a successful female entrepreneur. Yet we still feel a need to nurture and live up to the generations of women who went before us.
This can create a self-imposed pressure to be perfect, because it’s a huge balancing act to juggle our personal and professional responsibilities, which can lead to additional stress, guilt and anxiety, while making it harder to prioritise our own self-care.
Why is self-compassion so good for our wellbeing and mental health?
It’s common to put ourselves last on the list of priorities, as businesswomen. Looking after our kids, our business and our household all tend to come before taking care of ourselves. We often feel like we don’t have the time, energy or permission to show some self-compassion.
However, it’s crucial for our mental health, resilience and success as female entrepreneurs. By being kind and supportive to ourselves, we can create a sense of inner strength, confidence and wellbeing, which can help overcome obstacles and allow us to thrive in our careers.
As Kristen Neff’s 2007 study found, people with self-compassion are less likely to be critical of themselves and less likely to be anxious or depressed, which ultimately leads to greater life satisfaction.
How does mindfulness help us to be more compassionate to ourselves (and others)?
Life is busy for us women in business, and it’s easy to lose touch with how we’re really feeling in the moment.
While we might ordinarily dismiss a feeling of anxiety as ‘just being silly’, mindfulness helps us become more aware of our emotions and behaviours, and allows us to uncover the real reason why we might be feeling a certain way.
By practising mindfulness, we can become more aware of where we are and what’s going on around us in the present moment, without being judgemental. This can help us be more compassionate to ourselves and others.
What is the role of coaching in developing powerful self-compassion?
As a coach, my aim is to help female entrepreneurs reach their goals and ambitions, which often involves a fair amount of change for them to get to where they want to be.
And I know that change can be hard. It requires hard work, time, patience and willpower, which means it can be all too easy for my clients to be hard on themselves when things don’t go quite to plan.
That’s why I build an element of self-compassion into my coaching. It helps my female business owner clients to keep their motivational levels up and not be too hard on themselves if they experience a setback.
Here are 3 ways to help you be more self-compassionate as a businesswoman
1. Every time you pass a mirror, look at your reflection and give yourself a big smile.
2. When something doesn’t go as planned, think about what you’ve learnt that you wouldn’t have otherwise.
3. Be honest to yourself and others by sharing your successes and your challenges.
My own journey with self-compassion
Have you ever had anyone say to you that you are too hard on yourself? I have. I honestly think that when I was first told that I didn’t know what they meant! I’m me and what I am is “normal” to me… but since I have been on a path of self-development I have started to gain clarity on what that really means.
- I can be hard on myself when:
- I forget to add something to the supermarket order
- When I break my favourite mug
- When I take the wrong turn at the end of the road (because I am distracted)
- …the list goes on…
And then I started to notice all of this was being “hard on myself”. Noticing is the first step. But then how do you break what is effectively a habit? Our thought patterns have become hardwired into our brains. One event triggers another and before we are even aware of it we have berated ourselves.
The key to changing this habit has been a consistent mindfulness practice as well as the Mental Fitness Programme that I offer to my clients. In slowing down, being more aware and more present I have been able to intercept my previous thought patterns and make a different choice in the moment.
This isn’t something that happens overnight. It takes time. But WOW, when you notice yourself choosing a different response there is no feeling of satisfaction that is better.
So when:
- I forget an item of shopping I stop and ask myself if it’s really needed
- I break my favourite mug I repair it kintsugui-style and love it even more
- I take the wrong turn, I take a deep breath and enjoy the different scenery
And what I have noticed is that when I am this compassionate to myself, I automatically start being more compassionate to others. I am the centre of my ripple effect on the world!
Book of the month
Radical Compassion by Tara Brach
My good friend Neil Dolan recommended this book to me when he invited me to join his as his practice partner for the meditation technique that it covers.
Tara Brach is a world-renowned meditation teacher whose simple four-step practice awakens compassion and releases the grip of painful emotions.
It’s called the RAIN technique (Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) and I can confirm at it’s incredibly powerful.
Mindfulness tip
You don’t have to be an advanced meditator to benefit from this powerful technique.
Find a quiet comfortable place and connect with your breath.
Spend a few moments RECOGNISING the situation you are find challenging and naming the main emotions.
Then bring your ATTENTION to whatever feels most difficult about the situation. Be present with it. Allow it to be there just as it is.
The third step is to INVESTIGATE the experience. What is the work part of it? Where do I feel the emotions?
Finally the it’s NURTURE; the self-compassion step. If the hurt part of me could communicate what would it say and how would it want me to respond? Offer this part of you love, compassion and kindness.
Close this practise with a few more moments of connection with yourself.
I’d love to get your thoughts.
In case you missed it
Powerful Conversions with these Powerful Women – these conversations are great fun and not to be missed. Over the last 4 weeks I’ve had these amazing conversations:
Sophie Benge – rewatch here
Carole Armitage – rewatch here
Shinara George – rewatch here
Charlie Clarey – rewatch here
And not to be missed in the coming weeks
More powerful conversations with these amazing ladies: Trienne Topp, Anna Rump and Andraya Catlyn.
Powerful Conversations Podcast
I’ve turned my Powerful Conversations into a podcast. Exciting!
So don’t miss them… follow me here!
